If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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