I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
