got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
