Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
