Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
