I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
