We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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