What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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