I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
