took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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