i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
