So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
