So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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