Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
