Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
