One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
