Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
