I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
