well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
