I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
