thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
