3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
