My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
