I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
