Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
