I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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