I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
