So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
