My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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