planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
