God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
