I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
