it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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