I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
