Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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