Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
