I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
