Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
