It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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