I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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