Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize