No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
