so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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