why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
