happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
