dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
