You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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