Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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