I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
