Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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