just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
