A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
