having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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