i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
