when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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