I hate your face
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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