Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
you never un-have a 4some
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
