On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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