Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
