a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
