I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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