Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
